would you buy my thoughts? :>

long time, short stint

it has been the longest time since i even made a post to my blog.

as if someone's reading my posts. only a few people i know read it. i still can't find the courage to announce it to all of my reality. maybe because i'm not courageous enough to tell them my pains, which is practically plastered all over this blog.

also, some points i believe in are thoughts that i'm still not comfortable proclaiming. for example, i still can't imagine how i would tell my dad my question of faith. though my relationship with god is a lot better now. speaking of which, i would like to thank him for the blessings because maybe i have always failed in thanking him for saving me on delicate situations that occurs from time to time.

i don't know maybe i should admit the fact that i'm a little masochistic. my delight in pain. though they are really more of tastes only because i manage to get out of the rut a couple times, but still, it is evident.

i would like to take this opportunity to proclaim to the world that:

my world is very much filled with gelatin. =)

we've been together for more than 6 months now. approximately the same amount of time i wasn't able to make a post in this blog. it has been a real blast. it has been a rollercoaster kind of experience.

i'm happy i have her in my life. very.

it's funny but i'm posting again when we aren't really on good terms. talking, but having problems. didn't i say that this blog tells about my pains and heartaches?

anyway, i'm just hoping for the best.

look, it's high time i release this thread to the world, don't you think? i don't care anymore. as long as i know that i'm true to myself, i don't care what others may think about it. also, i'm procastinating on doing some basketball articles, maybe to be seen first in this blog and other topics and ideas that i really enjoy just to change the mood of my blog. but believe me, i write better when i'm hurt. pathetic really.

posted by < tofu kid> at 2:42 AM

my world of gelatin

my world is so disoriented right now.

the reason is simple: gelatin is not with me.

the last two posts marked the start and the abrupt end of my mutual understanding with this girl, whom i call gelatin.

why it took a halt? it was my fault. my inexperience in relationships showed through. i tried to give time even though in reality my schedule could not.

i could blame my thesis. actually, my finger is pointed to that. my damn thesis is the culprit. but it could have worked out. if only i made her expect less of what i can give right now.

but my thesis is for myself also. though my world's view right now is everything not about myself.

i'm having the hardest time of my life.

please. don't ever think that i'm happy about what happened. sometimes the pain hurts me so much i would want it to end. and that means hurting myself one final time. which cancels the point if i do so.

please give me time to finish this certain part of my life. yes, it's for myself. and i'm dedicating it to you. you're the lifeline of my thesis.

the grand plan has been set a long, long time ago. for us to be friends first. and stay friends at that. make that the starting point for things to blossom.

but right now i can't. i really can't.

though i'm trying my damn hardest effort to pretend that we're only friends even though in my mind we aren't.

i'm still yours.

but for things sail away i must.

so please forgive me if i don't text or call for a period of time. like the last two weeks of february which starts now.

please give me the chance.

the chance to finally utter the magic words.

the magic words which i knew during this time we're not together.

the magic words from my heart.

i terribly miss you.

i most definitely miss us.

please don't give up on us.

posted by < tofu kid> at 1:18 AM

now at lost, yet still found

originally written january 25, 2003 finished february 12, 2003

there's a certain difference. a certain embodiment of emotion. not really a sense of completeness because i have much left to be desired, but a sense of an end of a search. a comfort blanket that you can lean on. something i don't have. which tortured me. or i let myself become tortured so.

after searching for it for the longest time, i've finally found it. i have found her.

but only to let her get out of my grasp.

the sense of finally finding what you've wanted for the longest time is bliss.
but i can't imagine how i could have easily let it go.
this is not the movies, where the protagonist after searching for true happiness and finding it, realizes that it wasn't what he was really searching for. this is REAL LIFE. the silver lining doesn't come very often or sometimes doesn't even come at all.
back to square one.

but the rules change.
it's not the same way for every girl.
all i can do is to hope and pray the second chance comes.
but all i can say is that i will never give you up until i can fully say to myself that i've done everything, as in everything, for you to come back to my life.

amen.

posted by < tofu kid> at 11:18 PM

not all girls are evil

i really can't say i've made this sudden transformation to greatness.

i sucked big time. i almost didn't make the grade. i almost got probation. i still succumbed to depression. i almost gave up. as in i almost gave up.

but i said to myself to stand up and to finish the test chip design circuit layout needed for my thesis. and i did.
but that just left me to stand on a false sense of security.
now i'm on a great bind because after 7 weeks, the analysis of my thesis is still inexistent. i only have 6 weeks to go before halfway presentation. i have to catch up.

but that's not the complete story. there must be a reason to my sudden ineffectiveness. an ill one at that.
more on the extra-curricular activities of the organization: profit-rearing activities, chorale expansion, band explosion and the organization dysfunction.
but after the terrorizing experience of all of this, there has to be a silver lining that endears me to go on.
because suddenly, the special one comes along!!!
oh yeah! oh yeah! oh yeah!

let's just say an undertsanding came: a mutual one at that. everything started well enough. but that was only 2 weeks ago. i can say things get a little bit weird as we go along. but i will always strive for the best.

i can already debunk my generalization some posts ago.
yeah, not all girls are evil.
they just become more evil when they become more than just friends.

posted by < tofu kid> at 11:16 PM

5 weeks

i finally woke up.

the first thing that i asked is "who am i?"

i mean, i know i am the blog writer known as grimlock but who really am i?

right now, i am a 5th year electronics and communications engineering student studying in the state university.

"what else?"

as far as i can remember, i am an amalgamation of different concepts, rolled into one being, trying to uplift myself to uniqueness. but all of that turned into horror. when evil struck into my psyche. the evil that are girls.

"do i exist?"

maybe it is appropriate to say, i did exist. but the way i was living the past 5 weeks tells me i hardly existed at all.

"do i exist now?"

i do exist now because i can go back and recall moments that made me who i am.

"then who really am i?"

i am a person molded by the uniqueness of my spirit and the vindication of my past. if not for my past, i could hardly say who i am right now.

"my message to myself:"

please exist. the 5 weeks were bad. because you were confused on the effect girls have made you do. but you can move on right now. you can't cling to anything because everything is closed book already. stop dreaming. it's all over. you can face reality now.

posted by < tofu kid> at 3:39 AM

bringing the confidence back

i have always made it a point that i am willing to help people regarding their acads. i mean, since in high school and even in grade school, i would always tutor my classmates if they had problems with this or that subject. it has always been my bread and butter.

and it always will be. after helping out my computer science orgmates with their electronics service subject which happens to be my course, i am in a state of uplifting a greater trust and respect towards myself. i mean i have always been like that, and i just always forget the capability that i know i have in myself. finally, i'm on the verge on bringing my confidence back. i have it with me. i just have to nurture my path towards greatness and completeness.

posted by < tofu kid> at 3:48 AM

zero balance

i am in no position to do anything. i lost that stance when i didn't even converse. it is as if i ran out of credit when i could have always reloaded. i may even be on negative level. and that only means that i am lightyears away of even trying to ask you out. am i any clear to myself?

as all of my friends said, don't make it your problem. it is not something that should occupy your mind. there are lots of productive things i should be focusing on. bring your discipline back. i can bring it back.

posted by < tofu kid> at 3:30 AM

facing blank walls

what the fuck?! what am i doing here? why am i facing a blank wall for the past 5 weeks? what the fuck is happening to me? as if this hasn't happened to me the previous semester, that i'm living without meaning? was i not supposed to learn anything from any of those?

i'm so fucking confused. confused on what to choose with current matters of my life. confused on what i want to feel. and at most, fucking afraid on facing reality. can i move on with my life right now and try to forget fiction? why cannot i get away from this black hole i got sucked into. i'm conscious that i was absorbed by it, BUT i'm not creating lot of effort to finally pull away from it. man, you're life is about studying, isn't that any clear?

if you're really so fucking good, then get the fuck off your current state of senseless depression. life has meaning. you create the meaning.

the meaning is with me.

posted by < tofu kid> at 11:15 PM

delight

there is delight in speaking cuss words.

posted by < tofu kid> at 11:15 PM

fateless

day of reckoning. i'm speechless. i just can't seem to put the words to describe what has transpired. i can't really tell if i can explain the emotion that i felt. i want to give every detail to everythinig. i kept thinking about it over and over but i still can't seem to write it down. there is this tingle of sadness that is ravaging my heart. but what's done is done.

to put it in simple words, i chose our fate. a fate without us.

she said it is not possible. i know it is not possible. i completely understood. but my only regret is that i didn't push the envelope. what if she changes her mind. but if i did and she said no, then i would have sunk into complete oblivion.

my idealism has become shattered again. faith and fate will just not co-exist. i would have wanted to explain that the power is in our hands. but my heart cannot suffer a final stroke.

when someone has come back into your life, it is the sweetest thing that could ever happen. but it seems that along the way, you learn that the path your taking is completely the opposite direction to the path she will take. it is like two acquaintances on the same road but taking opposite directions. they will meet again, only to say goodbye in the end.

this is my final goodbye.

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:43 AM

the indirect method

i was confused. the events that transpired has completely blurred the perfect vision of my idealism. the singularity idealism. (actually, there are many idealisms that i hold on to. i hope i could elaborate on them soon.) for the first time, i played the game. my want not to explode has made me compromise. but it is the only solution that will me make decide on what future i will choose.

i used the indirect method. the other ones i could use are direct and implied (got this from my friend ef-py; more on this later). the indirect method requires a third party viewer on what is currently happening to the two unique worlds of two people where one party tries to tie up. i happened to find a person that i can ask. though he won't tell what he knows because it's not his business, he gave a signifier that changes everything. he asked, "what if what transpires is not to your liking, will you still be her friend?" i answered that i have already promised to be there for her. but that question alone is evident to where the truth lies. she would choose her faith rather than our fate. :(

i guess this is where i sign off.

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:55 PM

re-iterate

...i've wanted you for the longest time and all i can say is to give you away.

i have never talked like the way i did some days ago for quite some time. it was because i was very weary and careful to every word that i say. i don't want to feel lost again. and feeling lost has always meant i got carried away yet again.

but i just had to let it out. i became impatient yet again. i can't control it.

i was at it again, professing what i feel yet infusing my masochistic side. and it was just very special of you to say that everything will remain unchanged.

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:23 AM

status jump

for the longest time, i have finally realized what my problem is.

and it is not the aforementioned things that i keep writing on this blogspot of mine. but rather, after looking into my deepest side, i've realized what's holding me up...

i'm so hung up by past errors, mistakes, undesirable outcomes and "things that didn't go my way" that it is hindering me from moving on with my life and jumping from my current state of stillness and gloominess. rather than taking a glimpse into my future, i keep stumbling upon my past. a past that i could never change.

and my solution...

i must learn to move on. to treat the past as lessons that i will carry into the future. i must finally look forward.

i must jump the fire.

posted by < tofu kid> at 10:23 AM

busy as a bee

don't you have the time to spend it with me or don't you just want to spend time with me?

but the conclusion is still simple for both cases: no time means no us.

i don't know how i would play this game. would i still hang around until you finally realize what you want or would i finally fade away with no intention of returning back?

i need to know fast what i want to realize. i need to calm myself. i need to control my feelings and feel that i'm in control. nevertheless, i have already given my word. i'll only be around by a year or so. though it won't be unthinkable if i won't be around anymore when that time comes. yet, it will still be a matter of how i really want you. if i really, really want you. you know what? my answer right now is i do.

posted by < tofu kid> at 4:11 AM

looking up

events that transpired on june28, 2002

...i saw nothing but blue on the bluest sky
and it's creeping across my eye
going down in my mind, down in my mind...

these lyrics carefully erupted out of my mouth as the band played along. like a dormant volcano becoming active again, feelings were released like there was no tomorrow. but understanding its meaning depended on what interpretation they would conceive. yet, it was like hoping against hope that even how scrambled the message was sent, it would be received fully decoded. understood. felt. known.

...i'm hoping you'll notice
that no one else helps me grow
coz it's not easy to let you know what i'm dying to show, dying until you know...

this wonderful gin blossoms song still keeps getting played in my head. i just wished that you were there when i sang it. i just want to sing to you what i feel. it is just too bad you were never there to hear. or your heart will not want to listen to it. it is just so sad. so very sad.

posted by < tofu kid> at 3:53 AM

co-incident ray

events that transpired on june 7, 2002

second day of registration. nine am. i arrived in school. i was actually undecided on where i should go first to finish enrolling. i decided to get my library clearance first. that requires me to go to our college building. i came to the lobby, had the library personel check for deficiencies, and citing there is none, stamped cleared on my registration form. next destination: department building.

but before i could set my feet off towards my destination, i was suddenly left hanging on my tracks. i was left to behold a sight that instantaneously cemented my feet to the ground. she is within my line of sight once again.

two days in a row. without conscientious or forced effort, we were able to meet. coincidence? actually, this is not the first time that this has happened. i had similar strings of surprise rendezvous with her that eventually led to our becoming close 2 months ago. this was no surprise, but what was unbelievable is why is this happenning right now when i'm trying so hard to make my mind in control. fate plays in mysterious ways.

this time around, i made sure that i'm going to spend a little more time with her. i asked her if she was able to get my text message last night. but it happened that she has already returned the borrowed cellphone which was our main line of communication last summer. so i just made her read my message on my phone outbox. i just told her in that message that i have a lot of stories to tell, and i could share them some other time. then, she told me she has to go to another building to get her registration materials. wearing a white baby-tee which was the first time i've seen her wear one and round earrings different from yesterday but still complements well her pretty face, she was a sight i will not easily get out of. i accompanied her and we chatted along the way. when that was finished, my mind got in control again. i want to finish the registration process early. i told her i have to go now to our department building. she has to stay in our college because she still has some unfinished business. without thinking too much, i waved and said goodbye. but her image still lingered in my mind.

on my way, i began to fill my mind with a lot of different things. i don't want to think much about what if i stayed and accompanied her instead of finishing early. my mind joustled a lot. it had to be in control. i was able to finish and in the afternoon, i played ball and used every sense of imagination that i have to pull off those magnificent, air-defying drives which was surprising for my built. from strong finger rolls to reverse layups to up-and-under moves, i shifted my mind to competition. i loved it. though there is a sense of wasted time in my mind. there is a certain stinginess that tells me my day was not complete. but i pushed myself to cope with it. i had to. i just had to.

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:49 PM

a moment

i'm not used to writing in my blog about moments. it has always been reactions to what transpired in my life. it's because i haven't had the chance to use the net that much and i get easily drained on what i think and feel to write. i'm trying to change that, making my blog my diary. which is the same anyway with my blog because i get easily drained too. so why not change the style?

today is the first day of registration. i only arrived in school in the afternoon because i just got back from a 3-day vacation. i went first to our department building, then to the engineering building where i'm going to enlist an eng'g subject. then i went to the lobby where the action usually takes place. people lining up for their ineligibility problems, library clearance, payment, and tambay for whatever reasons. i was supposed to take the direction towards our tambayan but i decided to take a peek on what's happening in the lobby. i might meet some high school classmates troubled from eligibility problems. just when i was about to look, somebody immediately called my name. i looked around. when i finally directed my eyes straight, i happened to glimpse upon a truly elegant view. a picture which eluded me for a month. i'm seeing her right in front of me. (see previous post for details.)

i don't know but there's something most different about her this time around. it is as if there's a certain gleam on her face that i haven't seen before. there's a rosiness on her cheeks that reflects a certain sense of tenderness on her face. simple, white and shiny earrings that were always never there but now becomes a majestic accessory to complement her sweet face. a ponytail, as i have always told her, shows, without hindrance, her beautiful face. simply elegant.

maybe i just haven't seen her for the longest time since we became close again. maybe i just terribly miss her. maybe i just want to make a connection yet again without laying the groundwork. but i was definitely astounded. very, very much.

as much i wanted to talk, it was hindered because she was actually one of those unfortunate enough not able to get her eligibility. actually, i waited. but i ended up talking with other people just to wait. i actually have time to talk between the gaps, but maybe i wanted to get her full attention when i chat with her. and when she actually has finished, she had to go to our department building. but i elected to stay in our college because i have to go first to our tambayan. i chose that option. i just said, "see you when class starts", even though it's pretty obvious i might see her again tomorrow. but what i had in my heart really is that i don't want to put myself again in a position where i will give myself only to succumb to depression. i don't want to feel empty, especially classes are about to start again. the first smester is only about to start. there's lots of time to be with you. only if i elect to. which in my heart i want to do.

posted by < tofu kid> at 4:44 AM

again

again.

i find myself in a situation where i have always been.

always giving.

give. give. and give.

there always comes a time when i thought i can never give more, but then as always, i find this urge in myself that i want to give. i want to be the same. i want to share my life.

i want to make a connection with you, even though we have our difference in faith.

and then, i find myself giving too much. i immediately find myself wishing that you give something back, which is something i can never really expect for you to do.

then i go into depression.

i haven't seen you in 3 weeks. and that will become 4 since you will only arrive from your home province by then.

just thinking that i've made the best connection ever to a person 2 months ago, but only to lose that again, is very, very sad.

i'm getting tired. yet i know i have to be patient. we have a semester or two to be friends. if it goes beyond that, that is the time to know. but one thing is for sure. i don't want to face depression again.

posted by < tofu kid> at 3:56 AM

i

my world has always been torn by two ideas. one is staying and being alone and the other is my want to interact. but the central theme is one: the female of the species.

since my last recall, i have always felt the need to relate to them. to know them. to be with them. my heart beats a step faster, i guess. but all the same, even though intention is great, i always bypass the most important thing: how.

after so many years, this is the time that i've only come to realize how i suck in courtship. it has been the weakest link to the realization of this objective. the reason why i suddenly feel lost to everything about my noble idea: to know that someone also feels the same way.

i feel so jaded. and i've come to realize that maybe it isn't the best thing to pursue right now. or maybe it isn't the right idea after all. i must first complete myself (something i've always tried to do but failed because these things get in the way). i must evolve on my own. i must create and i feel the need to, without help. i must first go on alone.

posted by < tofu kid> at 3:28 PM

stupid me

i can't seem to concentrate. something is always bugging me. making me release a different lazy me. when will i again become the old me who truly shows his true worth and not a me who questions the meaning of things making me jaded to everything and stopping to explore things around me? a me who values life and not a me who questions it? when will i find myself?

if i don't change fast, i think i'll die. i'm serious. cannot anyone save me? why can't i save myself? why? why? why?

posted by < tofu kid> at 12:53 AM

faith in fate

the past has come back. a typical beginning is the end is the beginning. just when i have moved on, something new comes along. but the new is actually something old.

a complication of my past. a consequence of my current living. a glimpse of my future.

the flame has been rekindled. but the problem remains the same.

we don't share the same faith.

the same faith that triggered the story of her immaturity in our first meeting almost 4 years ago.
the same faith that i thought will not be a hindrance.
the same faith that failed to taint my idealism, until moments made it fell apart.
the same faith that crippled my visions.
the same faith that i detested.
the same faith that made me who i am.

i don't know what decision to take.

i don't know if i can disregard faith in our fate.

posted by < tofu kid> at 2:21 AM

i give up.

it sounds easy. yet, so difficult to implement.

it's time to finally put an end on torturing my heart.

bye.

posted by < tofu kid> at 10:07 AM

beginning's end

guess what?! i'm back.

my 2-month absence is actually a mistake. my non-paticipation in my own blogger left me thinking to my own self. it felt like being so alone with my own thoughts, which was the reason anyway that led me to set-up my own blog in the first place. to find a venue for these thoughts. but during that time, i didn't want to write. there was no urge whatsoever. as if i lost myself entirely. as if i have nothing to talk about. i felt blank.

after much thinking, i felt that i lost myself for 2 months. 2 months alone. 2 months without direction.

i did a lot of things, but those were only parts of my whole, not the whole bringing up itself. i played basketball and played for my band. these were things that should have boosted my confidence, but i still felt insecure. and i knew the reason. i was not promoting the wholeness of myself. instead of concetrating on myself, i was concentrating on parts of myself. now i know. now it's time to recover.

the new year dawns. it will be a better year. it will be.

posted by < tofu kid> at 4:24 PM

i must learn to be alone.

posted by < tofu kid> at 4:38 PM

reboot.

loading program...

begin.

focus on studies.
shape up.
forget chicks.

overall: instill discipline

effectivity: one year then evaluation.

quote: if you put your mind into it, you can accomplish anything! -- from Back to the Future

end.

program running...

posted by < tofu kid> at 7:19 PM

i really, really thought you care.

i really, really thought you care.

i really, really thought you care.

i really, really thought you care.

i really, really thought you care...blah...blah...blah...blah...

yeah, i know i should stop right now.

don't worry. i'll get over it.

thanks for everything.

posted by < tofu kid> at 5:55 PM

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i really, really hate to be ignored.

i do think that says it all.
i know what's best for me anyway: to be left alone.

posted by < tofu kid> at 3:25 AM

what?! no recess?!

this is one tough week.

it is like an exclusive party where everyone gatecrashes and everything crumbles for you as the unwilling host.

and you can't even take a break.

just when i thought i will have the luxury of taking some time off this week, especially with the tons of work the last time around, more work came along, with matching deadlines.

i have an exam tomorrow on a major subject. i have a circuit design problem due by friday. i have a physics assignment also due on friday. and i still have a multimedia project left unfinished, which should be made available (read: already past the deadline) by next week. and to top that, i also have some other important matters to pursue. and that my friends is what you call a life.

well, see you next time and i just pray that i will survive this ordeal.

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:53 PM

we go into overtime!

study habit. this is the single most important activity a student in any level must have to survive. if in high school, you might have skipped that and only studied hours before your periodical exam. in college, it just won't work. when you're in a university where the professor gives a lecture and after that, you're on your own, you must be damn prepared. because in the upcoming exams, you will definitely experience the surprise of your life. it will be so hard you will wonder if he did lecture that. it is because exams will be composed of problems not discussed before, problems you will see the first time in your life. honestly, i find it logical. though i think i'm the only one who thinks it is so. because once you know the concept, even how mixed up the question is, you will be able to answer it. the bullshit in it is "it's so damn difficult". why give such a question? like in my field electronics, you're asked to solve a circuit that won't even function in real life. so why give it? it is rather a judgment between logic and trivia for the professor. but you can't do anything because he or she will give you your grade. so before, you get into the blues, you may try these stuff that i do.

• study everdyday - this is so hard because you tend to lose interest as the semester comes along. but remember this is the most effective way in order to ace those exams.
  
• prepare weeks before the exam - if you will do this, maybe 2 weeks will do. study part per part, and by the time your exam comes, you will be ready to ace it.
  
• allot 1 whole day to study - on the day you don't have class, study one subject for that whole day and you will definitely be ready.
  
• cramming - everybody does it and the reason why many fail. because you only knew the lesson hours before, answering is difficult and not confident on the exam. but in order to at least pass, you must do this horrible act.

since we already have our methods, we must implement them. it is the way to survive college, or else.

and while i'm on it, i have an exam tomorrow and you should have guessed what i will do. hehe. actually, i will apply the last 2 methods. study and cram the whole day for the exam tomorrow. please wish me good luck. end blog.

posted by < tofu kid> at 4:54 PM

as i turn twenty

i don't know what i'm supposed to feel. am i supposed to feel wiser? stronger? more mature? but definitely older. though, i really still don't feel it. what does a change of number in age mean?

honestly, i still feel like a kid. i recently went back to comic books. most specifically x-men which i last seriously collected around grade school (bought some during high school but eventually stopped after 4 months; i collected only manga during high school, more on this later). i just studied astronomy (how come i only see orion really bright)? :) i read all harry potter books (whom i share the same birth day, the 31st) by j.k. rowling. i already finished the hobbit and am starting to read the lord of the rings trilogy by j.r.r. tolkien. i am a big fan of star wars. i play guitar for my band. i'm playing around with my computer. all in all, i'm having so much fun.

but with all this on the side, i've learned through the years to juggle it with these important principles. discipline and responsibility. before i was so tight. i never mixed and matched. until that day came that i questioned everything around me. it was a difficult period of my life. but now, i think i'm beginning to distinguish meaning. i'm beginning to see what it is all about. but i think i'm just still at the tip of the iceberg. there's still a lot more to explore.

when tomorrow comes, my age will not be the same. i'm not 19 anymore. i'm already 20. but it will be the same me who carries his dreams and tries so hard to make them come true. yet, it will be a me who has gone through a lot in his past and carries the lessons learned with him as a guide. a me willing to explore, unlock secrets and learn more experiences. i have grown up.

this is birth of a new beginning.

note: start of flashback

p.s..it has been a practice of mine to write something before my birthday. this started before i turned 17. i always wrote them on a 1/4 sheet of paper, and always kept them in my drawer. well, this time i got virtual. and before i lose these testaments, let me share them with you. :)

before i turned nineteen:
my teenage life felt like a breeze.
now my last year having the teen suffix in my age has come at last.
i had my share of pieces of life, mostly misses, on adulthood.
but i know what to do. i'm more experienced now.
it takes a lot of guts to make decisions and standing after getting a fall.
living is a matter of life and death.
you will not know how much you lived until you lived it each day.
nineteen. hmmm...

before i turned eighteen:
tomorrow comes as a day that focuses to face the true essence of reality.
in the past 17 years of my life, it was a phase of beginning to understand the given reality.
now, comes the start of determining and facing the true reality of life.
and with this in mind, as i face and see tomorrow, not just as a new day but a new beginning.
hello 18! i'm ready.

before i turned seventeen:
last hour of being sixteen
another year older, now seventeen
just age?
i guess not
it's again a start of something new
in sixteen, it was a start
seventeen is just another start
just hope for the best
challenge in this life
may never end
take this one at a time
here it is
bye 16 hello 17

note: end of flashback

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:06 AM

fearing what i feel

yes. if you have been carefully reading my recent posts, you would have guessed that i will come to this, sooner or later. it just happens that this is the time. ok, stop your squirming and have a piece of what i have to say.

girls. the mere word makes me shiver. before, i thought they were beautiful creatures waiting to be tamed. i thought simplicity and creativity would do the trick. i thought making the connection was magical. i was dead wrong. it was deceitful. for as all creatures, though they belong to the same species, they have their individual characteristics. it is just that i develop frustrating crushes on the unattainable ones. after a series of terrible heartaches, i promised myself not to fall again. not in this point of time. maybe never.

but it just happens that fate woudn't stop on trying to play tricks with me. cupid just have all the time to fool around. again, i find myself in a situation i try not to be in. it's simple but delusional. i fell.

i fear what i feel. it is because after getting hurt again and again and again, i don't think i would be able to deal with the pain all over again, in case it does happen. i am afraid.

you came. in a time when i am still trying to build myself. a time where i'm supposed to find only myself. now, i don't know what i'm supposed to do. what if you are the one. won't i even try to know if you feel the same way?

i hear myself.
"don't be afraid".
"be confident".
"believe in yourself".
"share what you feel".

i have decided. i will jump into the fire.

posted by < tofu kid> at 7:00 PM

being an engineering student is one of the most rewarding yet difficult experiences of my life.

it taught me how to persevere, to be focused and be disciplined in everyway i could think of.

it taught me how to budget my time.

it taught me to stand up after taking a fall.

it taught me how to shun away from girls and memorize all those very long mathematical formulas (kidding!).

but the most important of it all is it taught me to believe in myself.

yet my learning has not stopped from there. for my 5 years in engineering will build me to become a person who lives on catching a dream and fulfilling it. i have 2 years left. for all it is worth, the best has yet to come.

posted by < tofu kid> at 2:47 AM

growing up with 5.25" floppy disks

i remember when i was still in grade school, about 7 or 8 years old, we had our first personal computer. it was a 10mhz pc/xt clone ( i still have the mobo and graphics card :P) and with it, we used to play games like digger, wheel of fortune, buck rogers (the graphics were really lousy back then :P). but in order to load them, we needed our floppy disks. i took a particular liking to these magnetic devices because they were really funny looking and they came with some very particular rules like don't touch the cylindrical opening in the disk where the magnetic film is exposed or else, your data will be lost; always put the black sticker at the side of the disk so it could be write-protected; always put them in diskette boxes so that they wouldn't be bended; don't expose them to sunlight; there could be double density (DD) and high density (HD); those floppy disks that are teflon protected, those with rings on the center opening of the disks; and many others. as i grew older, somehow, i became stuck using them especially during my grade 5-6 and early high school years. it was a revolution for me back then. i think i had a lot of diskette boxes that i carried every computer class, and i had my boot disk of ms-dos 5, my wordstar 6, turbo basic, lotus 123, norton utilities, typing tutor, and most especially , the latest version of scan/clean for the viruses. those were the days.

recently, i re-assembled an old 486 computer and this made me remember about those good 'ol days. my old 1.2 MB 5.25" floppy disk drive no longer works (damn it!) after years of non-use. it was so frustrating because i really wanted to re-visit those old, obsolete stacks of diskette boxes. i actually backed-up already my files to 3.5" floppy disks years ago, but i still want the feel of those (now)humongous, funny floppy disks. could there still be one available in surplus shops? grrr....might as well try it out.

i was sure glad those 5.25" floppy disks came about. they enriched a certain a part of my childhood. they were part of my history. :)
posted by < tofu kid> at 9:34 PM

been very busy...it's very hard to be an engineering student...yeah i dream to become an engineer...now studying to become an engineer...and i'd die to become an engineer...less and less time for other endeavors like computers, comics, astronomy, basketball and gorillas..uh, i meant, girls...i mean i give time to them but they just don't give it back...hey! this post should be about me being an engineering student...yeah!...it needs a lot of sacrifice...like not being able to post in talk shop everyday... and a lot of dedication too...and after everything, i will finally find the way to give it all back!!! ;-)
posted by < tofu kid> at 8:44 AM

blah...blah...what's with all the babble?!

ok.

hello everyone! welcome to my blogspot. as you can see, i just managed myself to get into writing, maybe because my thoughts get so disorganized i tend to lose them. well, i have found the perfect space to talk all about them. yeah, damn the explanation. i think we all really need a kind of reference point. i found mine!

just my thoughts...
posted by < tofu kid> at 7:22 AM

talk shop is open. would you buy my thoughts...?!
posted by < tofu kid> at 7:12 AM