would you buy my thoughts? :>

as i turn twenty

i don't know what i'm supposed to feel. am i supposed to feel wiser? stronger? more mature? but definitely older. though, i really still don't feel it. what does a change of number in age mean?

honestly, i still feel like a kid. i recently went back to comic books. most specifically x-men which i last seriously collected around grade school (bought some during high school but eventually stopped after 4 months; i collected only manga during high school, more on this later). i just studied astronomy (how come i only see orion really bright)? :) i read all harry potter books (whom i share the same birth day, the 31st) by j.k. rowling. i already finished the hobbit and am starting to read the lord of the rings trilogy by j.r.r. tolkien. i am a big fan of star wars. i play guitar for my band. i'm playing around with my computer. all in all, i'm having so much fun.

but with all this on the side, i've learned through the years to juggle it with these important principles. discipline and responsibility. before i was so tight. i never mixed and matched. until that day came that i questioned everything around me. it was a difficult period of my life. but now, i think i'm beginning to distinguish meaning. i'm beginning to see what it is all about. but i think i'm just still at the tip of the iceberg. there's still a lot more to explore.

when tomorrow comes, my age will not be the same. i'm not 19 anymore. i'm already 20. but it will be the same me who carries his dreams and tries so hard to make them come true. yet, it will be a me who has gone through a lot in his past and carries the lessons learned with him as a guide. a me willing to explore, unlock secrets and learn more experiences. i have grown up.

this is birth of a new beginning.

note: start of flashback

p.s..it has been a practice of mine to write something before my birthday. this started before i turned 17. i always wrote them on a 1/4 sheet of paper, and always kept them in my drawer. well, this time i got virtual. and before i lose these testaments, let me share them with you. :)

before i turned nineteen:
my teenage life felt like a breeze.
now my last year having the teen suffix in my age has come at last.
i had my share of pieces of life, mostly misses, on adulthood.
but i know what to do. i'm more experienced now.
it takes a lot of guts to make decisions and standing after getting a fall.
living is a matter of life and death.
you will not know how much you lived until you lived it each day.
nineteen. hmmm...

before i turned eighteen:
tomorrow comes as a day that focuses to face the true essence of reality.
in the past 17 years of my life, it was a phase of beginning to understand the given reality.
now, comes the start of determining and facing the true reality of life.
and with this in mind, as i face and see tomorrow, not just as a new day but a new beginning.
hello 18! i'm ready.

before i turned seventeen:
last hour of being sixteen
another year older, now seventeen
just age?
i guess not
it's again a start of something new
in sixteen, it was a start
seventeen is just another start
just hope for the best
challenge in this life
may never end
take this one at a time
here it is
bye 16 hello 17

note: end of flashback

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:06 AM

fearing what i feel

yes. if you have been carefully reading my recent posts, you would have guessed that i will come to this, sooner or later. it just happens that this is the time. ok, stop your squirming and have a piece of what i have to say.

girls. the mere word makes me shiver. before, i thought they were beautiful creatures waiting to be tamed. i thought simplicity and creativity would do the trick. i thought making the connection was magical. i was dead wrong. it was deceitful. for as all creatures, though they belong to the same species, they have their individual characteristics. it is just that i develop frustrating crushes on the unattainable ones. after a series of terrible heartaches, i promised myself not to fall again. not in this point of time. maybe never.

but it just happens that fate woudn't stop on trying to play tricks with me. cupid just have all the time to fool around. again, i find myself in a situation i try not to be in. it's simple but delusional. i fell.

i fear what i feel. it is because after getting hurt again and again and again, i don't think i would be able to deal with the pain all over again, in case it does happen. i am afraid.

you came. in a time when i am still trying to build myself. a time where i'm supposed to find only myself. now, i don't know what i'm supposed to do. what if you are the one. won't i even try to know if you feel the same way?

i hear myself.
"don't be afraid".
"be confident".
"believe in yourself".
"share what you feel".

i have decided. i will jump into the fire.

posted by < tofu kid> at 7:00 PM

being an engineering student is one of the most rewarding yet difficult experiences of my life.

it taught me how to persevere, to be focused and be disciplined in everyway i could think of.

it taught me how to budget my time.

it taught me to stand up after taking a fall.

it taught me how to shun away from girls and memorize all those very long mathematical formulas (kidding!).

but the most important of it all is it taught me to believe in myself.

yet my learning has not stopped from there. for my 5 years in engineering will build me to become a person who lives on catching a dream and fulfilling it. i have 2 years left. for all it is worth, the best has yet to come.

posted by < tofu kid> at 2:47 AM

growing up with 5.25" floppy disks

i remember when i was still in grade school, about 7 or 8 years old, we had our first personal computer. it was a 10mhz pc/xt clone ( i still have the mobo and graphics card :P) and with it, we used to play games like digger, wheel of fortune, buck rogers (the graphics were really lousy back then :P). but in order to load them, we needed our floppy disks. i took a particular liking to these magnetic devices because they were really funny looking and they came with some very particular rules like don't touch the cylindrical opening in the disk where the magnetic film is exposed or else, your data will be lost; always put the black sticker at the side of the disk so it could be write-protected; always put them in diskette boxes so that they wouldn't be bended; don't expose them to sunlight; there could be double density (DD) and high density (HD); those floppy disks that are teflon protected, those with rings on the center opening of the disks; and many others. as i grew older, somehow, i became stuck using them especially during my grade 5-6 and early high school years. it was a revolution for me back then. i think i had a lot of diskette boxes that i carried every computer class, and i had my boot disk of ms-dos 5, my wordstar 6, turbo basic, lotus 123, norton utilities, typing tutor, and most especially , the latest version of scan/clean for the viruses. those were the days.

recently, i re-assembled an old 486 computer and this made me remember about those good 'ol days. my old 1.2 MB 5.25" floppy disk drive no longer works (damn it!) after years of non-use. it was so frustrating because i really wanted to re-visit those old, obsolete stacks of diskette boxes. i actually backed-up already my files to 3.5" floppy disks years ago, but i still want the feel of those (now)humongous, funny floppy disks. could there still be one available in surplus shops? grrr....might as well try it out.

i was sure glad those 5.25" floppy disks came about. they enriched a certain a part of my childhood. they were part of my history. :)
posted by < tofu kid> at 9:34 PM

been very busy...it's very hard to be an engineering student...yeah i dream to become an engineer...now studying to become an engineer...and i'd die to become an engineer...less and less time for other endeavors like computers, comics, astronomy, basketball and gorillas..uh, i meant, girls...i mean i give time to them but they just don't give it back...hey! this post should be about me being an engineering student...yeah!...it needs a lot of sacrifice...like not being able to post in talk shop everyday... and a lot of dedication too...and after everything, i will finally find the way to give it all back!!! ;-)
posted by < tofu kid> at 8:44 AM