would you buy my thoughts? :>

fateless

day of reckoning. i'm speechless. i just can't seem to put the words to describe what has transpired. i can't really tell if i can explain the emotion that i felt. i want to give every detail to everythinig. i kept thinking about it over and over but i still can't seem to write it down. there is this tingle of sadness that is ravaging my heart. but what's done is done.

to put it in simple words, i chose our fate. a fate without us.

she said it is not possible. i know it is not possible. i completely understood. but my only regret is that i didn't push the envelope. what if she changes her mind. but if i did and she said no, then i would have sunk into complete oblivion.

my idealism has become shattered again. faith and fate will just not co-exist. i would have wanted to explain that the power is in our hands. but my heart cannot suffer a final stroke.

when someone has come back into your life, it is the sweetest thing that could ever happen. but it seems that along the way, you learn that the path your taking is completely the opposite direction to the path she will take. it is like two acquaintances on the same road but taking opposite directions. they will meet again, only to say goodbye in the end.

this is my final goodbye.

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:43 AM

the indirect method

i was confused. the events that transpired has completely blurred the perfect vision of my idealism. the singularity idealism. (actually, there are many idealisms that i hold on to. i hope i could elaborate on them soon.) for the first time, i played the game. my want not to explode has made me compromise. but it is the only solution that will me make decide on what future i will choose.

i used the indirect method. the other ones i could use are direct and implied (got this from my friend ef-py; more on this later). the indirect method requires a third party viewer on what is currently happening to the two unique worlds of two people where one party tries to tie up. i happened to find a person that i can ask. though he won't tell what he knows because it's not his business, he gave a signifier that changes everything. he asked, "what if what transpires is not to your liking, will you still be her friend?" i answered that i have already promised to be there for her. but that question alone is evident to where the truth lies. she would choose her faith rather than our fate. :(

i guess this is where i sign off.

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:55 PM

re-iterate

...i've wanted you for the longest time and all i can say is to give you away.

i have never talked like the way i did some days ago for quite some time. it was because i was very weary and careful to every word that i say. i don't want to feel lost again. and feeling lost has always meant i got carried away yet again.

but i just had to let it out. i became impatient yet again. i can't control it.

i was at it again, professing what i feel yet infusing my masochistic side. and it was just very special of you to say that everything will remain unchanged.

posted by < tofu kid> at 9:23 AM

status jump

for the longest time, i have finally realized what my problem is.

and it is not the aforementioned things that i keep writing on this blogspot of mine. but rather, after looking into my deepest side, i've realized what's holding me up...

i'm so hung up by past errors, mistakes, undesirable outcomes and "things that didn't go my way" that it is hindering me from moving on with my life and jumping from my current state of stillness and gloominess. rather than taking a glimpse into my future, i keep stumbling upon my past. a past that i could never change.

and my solution...

i must learn to move on. to treat the past as lessons that i will carry into the future. i must finally look forward.

i must jump the fire.

posted by < tofu kid> at 10:23 AM

busy as a bee

don't you have the time to spend it with me or don't you just want to spend time with me?

but the conclusion is still simple for both cases: no time means no us.

i don't know how i would play this game. would i still hang around until you finally realize what you want or would i finally fade away with no intention of returning back?

i need to know fast what i want to realize. i need to calm myself. i need to control my feelings and feel that i'm in control. nevertheless, i have already given my word. i'll only be around by a year or so. though it won't be unthinkable if i won't be around anymore when that time comes. yet, it will still be a matter of how i really want you. if i really, really want you. you know what? my answer right now is i do.

posted by < tofu kid> at 4:11 AM

looking up

events that transpired on june28, 2002

...i saw nothing but blue on the bluest sky
and it's creeping across my eye
going down in my mind, down in my mind...

these lyrics carefully erupted out of my mouth as the band played along. like a dormant volcano becoming active again, feelings were released like there was no tomorrow. but understanding its meaning depended on what interpretation they would conceive. yet, it was like hoping against hope that even how scrambled the message was sent, it would be received fully decoded. understood. felt. known.

...i'm hoping you'll notice
that no one else helps me grow
coz it's not easy to let you know what i'm dying to show, dying until you know...

this wonderful gin blossoms song still keeps getting played in my head. i just wished that you were there when i sang it. i just want to sing to you what i feel. it is just too bad you were never there to hear. or your heart will not want to listen to it. it is just so sad. so very sad.

posted by < tofu kid> at 3:53 AM