my world of gelatin
my world is so disoriented right now.
the reason is simple: gelatin is not with me.
the last two posts marked the start and the abrupt end of my mutual understanding with this girl, whom i call gelatin.
why it took a halt? it was my fault. my inexperience in relationships showed through. i tried to give time even though in reality my schedule could not.
i could blame my thesis. actually, my finger is pointed to that. my damn thesis is the culprit. but it could have worked out. if only i made her expect less of what i can give right now.
but my thesis is for myself also. though my world's view right now is everything not about myself.
i'm having the hardest time of my life.
please. don't ever think that i'm happy about what happened. sometimes the pain hurts me so much i would want it to end. and that means hurting myself one final time. which cancels the point if i do so.
please give me time to finish this certain part of my life. yes, it's for myself. and i'm dedicating it to you. you're the lifeline of my thesis.
the grand plan has been set a long, long time ago. for us to be friends first. and stay friends at that. make that the starting point for things to blossom.
but right now i can't. i really can't.
though i'm trying my damn hardest effort to pretend that we're only friends even though in my mind we aren't.
i'm still yours.
but for things sail away i must.
so please forgive me if i don't text or call for a period of time. like the last two weeks of february which starts now.
please give me the chance.
the chance to finally utter the magic words.
the magic words which i knew during this time we're not together.
the magic words from my heart.
i terribly miss you.
i most definitely miss us.
please don't give up on us.
posted by < tofu kid> at 1:18 AM
now at lost, yet still found
originally written january 25, 2003 finished february 12, 2003
there's a certain difference. a certain embodiment of emotion. not really a sense of completeness because i
have much left to be desired, but a sense of an end of a search. a comfort blanket that you can lean on. something
i don't have. which tortured me. or i let myself become tortured so.
after searching for it for the longest time, i've finally found it. i have found her.
but only to let her get out of my grasp.
the sense of finally finding what you've wanted for the longest time is bliss.
but i can't imagine how i could have
easily let it go.
this is not the movies, where the protagonist after searching for true happiness and finding it,
realizes that it wasn't what he was really searching for. this is REAL LIFE. the silver lining doesn't come very often or
sometimes doesn't even come at all.
back to square one.
but the rules change.
it's not the same way for every girl.
all i can do is to hope and pray the second chance comes.
but all i can say is that i will never give you up until i can fully say to myself that i've done everything, as in everything,
for you to come back to my life.
amen.
posted by < tofu kid> at 11:18 PM
